Seasons of Life

I find myself in a bit of a strange and unknown time of life for me.  My personal life is in total upheaval, and it being the beginning of a new year (and a personal trainer to boot) I am surrounded by  expectations to make resolutions, encourage others to lose weight, “tone up”, set those goals, etc. etc. ad nauseum.
I don’t want to do any of that, quite honestly.
I have no desire to set resolutions, goals or any of that.
This is not meant be a depressing post, this IS meant to bring light to the fact that if you choose the beginning of the new year to set your goals, that’s great.  If you choose to set your goals on a random Thursday in March, that’s also great.
Circumstances in your life sometimes happen irregardless of the time of year.  The holidays are usually a really happy time, surrounded by friends and family and is a time to take a break from life, and relax, reflect on what’s really important.  This year, I think has been the saddest holiday season of my life and being surrounded by others touting their New Year’s Resolutions is more annoying than anything?
Because right now, I’m not focused on goals, I”m not focused on fat loss, I’m not focused on being productive.  All of my efforts are focused on getting through the day, waking up, surviving.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  Grief happens and when you are confronted with true grief, nothing else seems to matter.  The fact that my grief was intensified during this holiday season, is actually a blesssing, as I have time to mourn on my own time and not have to push it aside because I have a job to do.  Most of my students are out for break and therefore, I’ve been allowed to mourn on my own time.
This fall I moved to Nashville, and it has been one of the most wonderful things to happen to me in a long time. I’m doing what I love to do: teach, play, train, and God is good to bless me with this because during this time, my personal life took a curveball I could never have seen in a million years.
I found out that the man I love, the man I committed my LIFE to, is not real.  Or maybe, he is real, but only sort of, and the man I fell in love with is gone.  You see, I found out that my husband doesn’t suffer from depression, like he and his whole family told me, I found out he suffers from Schizophrenia, Narcicisstic Personality Disorder, possibly Bi-Polarism and Codependency with his mother.
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The man I fell in love with.

What schizophrenia looks like. How he has changed...

What schizophrenia looks like. How he has changed…

I have known for awhile something strange was going on with him, and we fought more than most couples, but I have zero experience with marriage or mental illness, especially of this magnitude.  Suffice it to say, this fall has been full of blessings and sorrow.  Thank the Lord for giving me a job I love, an income to take care of myself, family to surround me and a counselor to guide me through reality – to guide me out of the fog of lies his family (and possibly he himself, though I don’t really know what he knows is real) wove around me as truth, and into the reality of truth….which has been devastating.
I love this man with all my heart….I hate the actions of his family. I hate the actions his illnesses have caused him to take and I hate the choices he is making.  I don’t know what the future holds – I do know that I have a God who loves me and watches over me, guiding my life and will never forsake me.  I know I am now surrounded by truth and people who tell me the truth and I can see my in-laws lies for what they are, and this makes me so, so, so sad.  I am still committed to this man, till death, even though his mother has convinced him (in his acute psychotic state) that he doesn’t need me, I don’t love him and she will take care of him.  She has convinced him to come off his anti-psychotic medicine and now I am so so so afraid for him, because he is surrounded by lies with no way to see the truth. Regardless of the actions he has now taken to get me out of his life, I’m committed to him – because I am the only one who loves him. I was the only one who did what needed to be done to make sure he was safe….and I am demonized for this.
I understand that this is an intensely personal post, and I might get chastised for “airing my dirty laundry” ,but I don’t believe in hiding, and I don’t believe in providing fodder for gossip mills.  If you want truth, please ask me, and if I am able, if I want to share, I will tell you. If not, please be respectful of the heartache we are going through and not gossip. My blog is usually for positive, informative posts on music and fitness, and I realize this does not fit those molds. I also hope that my baring the situation to you, my audience, will be used for good, and not for shunning or ostracization.
Bad things happen to good people, and just because someone’s life isn’t perfect, doesn’t mean they should be shunned or thought “they can’t do their job”, or “maybe I should ask someone else”.  Let me tell you, I am grieving, feeling what I feel when I feel it, and facing reality as best I can.  Training my clients and next week being able to go back to teaching all my students, I hope, will be a welcome relief from the grief.  You see, my jobs force me to put my attention on someone else, something else other than my situation and that is always good.  It allows me to share, to help, to continue relationships with people and friends and students all in a healthy way.
So, it’s New Years.
I don’t know that I’m going to be one who says “this is going to be the best year ever! Good riddance to 2012!” and you know what?  That’s ok. 🙂
Cliche as it sounds, the truth is that I don’t know what the future holds, but I DO know Who holds the future, and that’s good enough for me.
So, will I be making goals and resolutions?  More than likely, just not right now.
Can I help you make your goals and give you a plan to follow through on your resolutions?  Absolutely!  There are few things in the world that give me as much joy as helping others and sharing with others.  Playing and training others accomplishes both of those goals.
So if you see me, and I look sad, you know why.  But you also know it won’t be forever. Don’t feel like you have to say anything about this post, or knowing about my situation, it’s quite all right for me to know that you know, and know that our relationship will go on in a positive way, continuing to share my knowledge and love of what I do – helping to make you stronger, or a better player.  Hugs are fine, smiles are fine, “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through” is fine, not addressing the situation at all is also fine. Just know that things will work themselves out gradually, and you’ll know when I’m fully back to my old self, scarred or not.
I look forward to helping YOU meet your goals this new year. And if you don’t have goals, that’s ok too. 🙂

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